Tony's Music Rules

Hello, my name is Tony Howard, and I’m a music snob… Yes, it’s true. I have very particular tastes. When I hear something I really like I’ll rave about it. And as an opinionated Scorpio, if I hear something that offends my sense of hearing, you might to hear about it, too. Over the years I’ve been collecting “music rules.” You might think of them as “music rants” and you would be right. This list is by all means incomplete, grumpy music guy that I am. Some of these “rules” are observations, most are opinions based in the belief that what I listen to rules. And I am a musically snobbish asshole - that's my wife's opinion... :-)

Tony`s Music Rule #1: The quality of the music is inversely proportional to the number of any dancers on-stage. If you have to have a lot of dancers on your stage to present your music in a live environment, chances are your music is crap. Good music stands on its own without having to divert the audience’s attention elsewhere. Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, et al – this means you.

Tony`s Music Rule #2: the terms "rap" and "music" are mutually exclusive. What is understood need not be discussed.

Tony’s Music Rule #3: “Progressive rock” is a euphemism for long-winded, pompous music without guitars. The worst offender is Yes’ Tales of Topographic Oceans [1974]. This is four sides [one song per side] dedicated to Hindu musings found in Autobiography of a Yogi. Zzzzz…. But King Crimson rules!

Tony’s Music Rule #4: If you go by a single name [Beyoncé, Madonna, Cher], chances are your music is crap. Refer to Rule #1 for these people.

Tony’s Music Rule #5: There are four exceptions to Rule #4 – Elvis, Prince, Adele and Sting.

Tony’s Music Rule #6: Steve Jobs and Apple did not kill the album – “artists” killed the album. The Beatles made the album an art form. They created lots of “deep tracks” that were good enough to be singles, but were not. Led Zeppelin did the same thing. Pink Floyd and The Who started telling stories that would take four album sides to tell. Today’s “artists” [and I use that term loosely] are lucky if they have 3-4 good songs on an album – the rest is filler. Would you want to spend $15 for an album that has only four good songs out of fourteen? No wonder people jumped at the chance to buy one song at a time [for $1 each] when Apple came out with iTunes. I can pay $4 for the songs I like instead of $15 for the ten songs I don’t like.

Tony’s Music Rule #7: If you shot to instant stardom on shows like American Idol, The Voice, or The X-Factor, chances are you are here today, gone tomorrow. There are exceptions [Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkson, Jennifer Hudson], but can you remember who won those competitions last year? Didn’t think so… If you had to go look it up, you just proved my point.

Tony’s Music Rule #8: The term “soft rock” is an oxymoron. Pete Townshend once said that rock and roll can’t solve your problems, but it can let you dance all over them. Rock and roll is supposed to be boisterous, it’s supposed to be rebellious, it’s supposed to be fun, not boring. “Soft rock” is boring. If you’re gonna rock out, don’t be boring.

Tony’s Music Rule #9: “Turn me on, dead man…” If you’re hardcore into the Beatles, you know exactly what this means.

Tony’s Music Rule #10: To quote The Dude, “I hate the fuckin’ Eagles!” See Rule #8.

Tony’s Music Rule #11: It’s ok to fuck up when you’re playing live. That way, people know you’re real.

Tony’s Music Rule #12: Bob Dylan, Neil Young and Tom Waits can’t sing. And I don’t care…

Tony’s Music Rule #13: You can learn a lot about rock and roll from Bach, Beethoven, and Wagner. Trust me on this one.

Tony’s Music Rule #14: Today’s country music all sounds the same [unless your name is Zac Brown]. Back in the day, you had disparate country folk like Buck Owens, Merle Haggard, George Jones, Charlie Pride, Waylon Jennings, and Glen Campbell, just to name a few [and that’s just the guys]. There was variety in the sound, yet still “country.” The “bro-country” of today – trucks, old dirt roads, wanted girls to get in their trucks, girls wearing tight jeans, etc. Ok, I stole that but relax – I have the same complaint about 80s hair metal, expect the bro-country guys don’t look like the use excessive amounts of hairspray. And like "hair metal", Bro country needs a Nirvana moment.

Tony’s Music Rule #15: Jazz. Sometimes it’s melodic.

Tony’s Music Rule #16: I used to think “every time I hear the Beach Boys, I thank God for the Beatles.” Then I heard Pet Sounds…

Tony’s Music Rule #17: Stax is better than Motown…and I think Motown [up until about 1975] is great. That tells you what I think of Stax.

Tony’s Music Rule #18: Even though the Allman Brothers Band broke up last year, they’re still the best damn band in the land.

Tony’s Music Rule #19: Bruce Springsteen’s last great album was Darkness on the Edge of Town [1978].

Tony’s Music Rule #20: Despite there being a band recording and touring under the name “Lynyrd Skynyrd” [only one original guy left in the band], the real Skynyrd died when the Freebird went down. The Rossington-Collins Band is more “Skynyrd” than the current guys will ever be.

Tony’s Music Rule #21: Billy Gibbons describes guitar players he likes as “true Martians.” Jeff Beck is from Mars. Listen to his guitar playing and you’ll hear why.

Tony’s Music Rule #22: Bob Mould [the old Hüsker Dü guy] rocks out harder than any “punks” who dare use the name “punk.” You might have seen him on Letterman a couple of weeks ago. He literally rattled the rafters and shook loose some dust that had been there since the Beatles first played on Ed Sullivan in 1964.

Tony’s Music Rule #23: Steely Dan bores the hell out of me.

Tony's Music Rule #24: Opera. Some people like it.

Tony's Music Rule #25: Tony Iommi is a living god. \m/

To be continued...