Hitman's Bodyguard - a short review

After another TDY and yet another mind-numbing test flight of Global Hawk with a new sensor [and the buffoonery that went with it], some much-needed comic relief was in order.  We saw Atomic Blonde last week [I highly recommend it - she fights better than James Bond], so we had to see something else.  Tom already saw Wonder Woman [his two-word review – “it rocks!”], and I’m still trying to talk She Who Must Be Obeyed into going to see Dark Tower.  Most of what was available for our viewing pleasure is horse squeeze [The Big Sick?  It’s a chick flick.  Annabelle: Creation?  It’s a sequel.  The Emoji Movie?  Please…Dunkirk?  Seen it.].  But one thing caught my eye – Hitman’s Bodyguard.  It has Samuel L. Jackson and Ryan Reynolds.  What could go wrong?  The answer is…nothing!

Since Pulp Fiction, you pretty much know what you’re going to get with Samuel L. Jackson, except when he’s asking “what’s in YOUR wallet?” Ever since then, it has become a drinking game for some – how many times does he say “motherfucker” in a movie.  He’s made it his own artform – obscenity is his true medium.  There’s a video collage of him on YouTube called Every Samuel L. Jackson "Motherf*cker"...Ever [here’s the link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0LBi1MHoaU].  I just got back to the hotel after watching Hitman’s Bodyguard - the clip needs to be updated.  Ryan Reynolds hadn’t really achieved true stardom until Deadpool.  In Hitman’s Bodyguard he’s the same character as Deadpool, except without the costume.

Rather than give the story away, here’s my Joe Bob Briggs review of the movie:

45 dead bodies [that’s where I lost count];

8 explosions [or was it nine?];

22 “motherfuckers” [17 from SLJ, 3 from Salma Hayek, 5 from Ryan Reynolds];

Zero naked breasts;

Two gallons of blood:

Nail-gun Fu;

Chain Fu;

Pen-through-the-hand Fu;

One ass-kicking female Interpol agent [Elodie Yung];

Three lessons on romance from Samuel L. Jackson;

One scene of Salma Hayek’s ass in a tight pair of jeans;

Gary Oldman as a homicidal Belarusian president on trial for crimes against humanity;

A twenty-minute chase scene in Amsterdam including cars, trucks, motorcycles, and boats;

I loved the movie.  Everything you expect from Samuel L. Jackson and Ryan Reynolds, and more.  This movie is laugh-out-loud, blow Pepsi through your nose funny.